Feminism vs. Mom

My mother can infuriate me. She pokes and prods at me, expects the world of me, finds millions of ways to be disappointed in me. And for too long, I’ve let her words hurt me.
I remember one afternoon when coming back from school in middle school, during a car ride in which I requested to visit a friend’s house, my mom called me selfish and I burst into tears. To be fair, I have younger siblings who needed attention. On the other hand, I’d spent the majority of my life—even back then—accommodating my siblings. Her calling me selfish was a slap to the face.
I’ve spent most of my life living with wailing babies, helping with diapers, and giving baths.
I’ve helped out with homework since I graduated from elementary school.
I’ve cooked for my siblings after school.
I’ve defended my brother from bullies.
I cleaned up after myself and others.
I worked hard in school, to make my parents proud.
Of course, I did not have to do all this all the time. But I was only a child. And I wanted to be good. And I think I was. But when she said those words, I felt like an evil being.
Perhaps because of this, I think I am in fact the least selfish of my siblings.
But I am also insecure; I wonder, do I purposefully act compassionate, because this is a trait I want associated with me?

It’s funny because my mom often says to me now, “You aren’t like normal kids.” By this she means: I am responsible for my siblings. I cannot just run about, unencumbered. It frustrates me because I was born into this role. Sometimes I loathe it.
She tells me I am like her, a person too compassionate for their own good, where we can’t dispel negative influences from our life; it would break our hearts. Is this what I wanted?
There are so many things which swirl in my mind.
My mom taught me to hide my shameful periods; wrap up my pads, wrap them again to hide their true nature. No sign of womanhood. She tells me to dress like a male, and never provocatively.
My mom is also a housewife. She’s worked before, but not since I was about 10 years old. I know I do not want to be one….
She tells me that she needs to monitor my life more because I am a female.

She says many things:
A woman is worthless without her virginity, in the eyes of men.
You need suitors to be attractive.
Do not make the first move.
Do make the first move.
You’re not smart enough.
You should lose weight.
You can’t handle it.
Should I get a divorce?

My mother has taught me honesty and compassion; I am grateful for that. But she has conservative views of relationships. She is homophobic. She is critical. She is not one of intellectual pursuits. She is human. So human it hurts.
It’s funny, I feel like her guardian now that I'm older. I just wish I could turn back time to that day in the car.

ashamed.

This Semester...

So it's my 3rd year at cal, one more year until I graduate. It's crazy, but I feel like I am not that different from how I was at high school.
Same likes and dislikes, same juvenile fixations... It seems like I can never grow up!
I think part of it might be that I am not one for reflection. I just go, I do as is scheduled. I don't push myself. And I do feel guilty, but I never get around to doing as I "should."

I want to get my organization back on track, because I've been slacking, and I feel like I should not be. Our event means a lot to me, it's my mark here at Cal. I want to do it justice. I really haven't been putting in the passion I should have been, but I really want to do that next semester. Hopefully this will draw people to us.

Also, I've been feeling pretty down about "college." I mean we go here to learn, right? But also to live/experience life? Where do I draw this line? I feel like I haven't been getting enough "life" but I've not been getting much "learning" (ok well, I do get some learning, but it all seems to melt away shortly...).

I guess what I can say though, is that I seem to have better relationships. I "get" my parents more, I am comfortable with being myself, I have wonderful people around me who love me and make me happy. I think this has made me a better person, not in terms of morals per se, but in confidence.

So this winter break, I will NOT let my parents drag me around having fun. I am going to figure out life, yo!