Feminism vs. Mom

My mother can infuriate me. She pokes and prods at me, expects the world of me, finds millions of ways to be disappointed in me. And for too long, I’ve let her words hurt me.
I remember one afternoon when coming back from school in middle school, during a car ride in which I requested to visit a friend’s house, my mom called me selfish and I burst into tears. To be fair, I have younger siblings who needed attention. On the other hand, I’d spent the majority of my life—even back then—accommodating my siblings. Her calling me selfish was a slap to the face.
I’ve spent most of my life living with wailing babies, helping with diapers, and giving baths.
I’ve helped out with homework since I graduated from elementary school.
I’ve cooked for my siblings after school.
I’ve defended my brother from bullies.
I cleaned up after myself and others.
I worked hard in school, to make my parents proud.
Of course, I did not have to do all this all the time. But I was only a child. And I wanted to be good. And I think I was. But when she said those words, I felt like an evil being.
Perhaps because of this, I think I am in fact the least selfish of my siblings.
But I am also insecure; I wonder, do I purposefully act compassionate, because this is a trait I want associated with me?

It’s funny because my mom often says to me now, “You aren’t like normal kids.” By this she means: I am responsible for my siblings. I cannot just run about, unencumbered. It frustrates me because I was born into this role. Sometimes I loathe it.
She tells me I am like her, a person too compassionate for their own good, where we can’t dispel negative influences from our life; it would break our hearts. Is this what I wanted?
There are so many things which swirl in my mind.
My mom taught me to hide my shameful periods; wrap up my pads, wrap them again to hide their true nature. No sign of womanhood. She tells me to dress like a male, and never provocatively.
My mom is also a housewife. She’s worked before, but not since I was about 10 years old. I know I do not want to be one….
She tells me that she needs to monitor my life more because I am a female.

She says many things:
A woman is worthless without her virginity, in the eyes of men.
You need suitors to be attractive.
Do not make the first move.
Do make the first move.
You’re not smart enough.
You should lose weight.
You can’t handle it.
Should I get a divorce?

My mother has taught me honesty and compassion; I am grateful for that. But she has conservative views of relationships. She is homophobic. She is critical. She is not one of intellectual pursuits. She is human. So human it hurts.
It’s funny, I feel like her guardian now that I'm older. I just wish I could turn back time to that day in the car.

ashamed.

This Semester...

So it's my 3rd year at cal, one more year until I graduate. It's crazy, but I feel like I am not that different from how I was at high school.
Same likes and dislikes, same juvenile fixations... It seems like I can never grow up!
I think part of it might be that I am not one for reflection. I just go, I do as is scheduled. I don't push myself. And I do feel guilty, but I never get around to doing as I "should."

I want to get my organization back on track, because I've been slacking, and I feel like I should not be. Our event means a lot to me, it's my mark here at Cal. I want to do it justice. I really haven't been putting in the passion I should have been, but I really want to do that next semester. Hopefully this will draw people to us.

Also, I've been feeling pretty down about "college." I mean we go here to learn, right? But also to live/experience life? Where do I draw this line? I feel like I haven't been getting enough "life" but I've not been getting much "learning" (ok well, I do get some learning, but it all seems to melt away shortly...).

I guess what I can say though, is that I seem to have better relationships. I "get" my parents more, I am comfortable with being myself, I have wonderful people around me who love me and make me happy. I think this has made me a better person, not in terms of morals per se, but in confidence.

So this winter break, I will NOT let my parents drag me around having fun. I am going to figure out life, yo!

Foods I like (I think about this a lot)

lasagna
mashed potatoes
nachos

burritos - sometimes

mango sticky rice

cake

chocolate

pho

peking duck

bibimbap

kim chee fried rice

chicken corn soup

sizzling rice soup

seafood soup, minus shrimp

crab

calm chowder in a bread bowl

garlic fries

pearl milk tea

schmear

wonton soup

cherries

tomato and egg

hotpot

korean barbeque

korean side dishes

crispy pork

avocado rolls and california rolls

watermelon

cupcakes

ice cream

Things I want to try:

okonomiyaki

fancy watermelons

Please

Split me
bleeding pieces

a discarded life
brings me pain

"Adults"

I think everyone reaches a point where they realize that their parents are unmistakably human.... or maybe its just me.

It frustrates me that my parents try to point at each other and tell me "horrible" things which i already know to be mostly true.

My dad is sort of an arrogant selfish jerk... My mother is overly conservative, an incessant worrier, with mood swings.

Ugh.
I do not want to be as bad as them but I know I have my faults too!!

It's sad but I want to talk to each of them sometimes, tell them why they suck and what they should consider changing. And that I do really appreciate them, but man! Even if I'm ok i hope at least my siblings would benefit.

Anyway.

Something to think about....

am feeling worn down

"It is no wise man that will quit a certainty for an uncertainty" -Samuel Johnson

     Samuel Johnson's quote rests upon the notion of wisdom being grounded in certainties, or stability. Wisdom is the ability to choose an optimal path, which minimizes loss and maximizes gain. In his statement he ventures to say that the wise will always choose established routes and not take risks. However, this claim is in truth not necessarily reflective of an optimal path.
     There are many logic-based situations which would cause wisdom to rest upon an uncertainty. This can come down to simple mathematical reasoning. For example, if you were offered $10 to withdraw from a bet on your favorite horse Winnie at the race track, regardless of an outcome, while you had a 75% chance of gaining $50 if you headed into the bet with $5, it would be more wise to take the bet. Taking the $10 is indeed a more stable choice, as the amount would be guaranteed. However, on average, more money would be gained from betting on Winnie.
    Then again, it can be argued that in this hypothetical situation, one is "certain" of the percentage in their favor. However, with each incidence in which probability is at play, there is always some uncertainty. Winnie coming in first on one day does not mean she will necessarily win the next. Probabilities, or uncertainties, allow us to predict certainties to some degree, but there can always be an outside element at play.
    Perhaps it is more realistic to say that wise men use certainties to deduce the viability of uncertain outcomes. After all, just mindlessly pursuing assured outcomes reflects ignorance. Wisdom necessarily involves evaluating multiple paths; this is how the most intelligent one may be determined.

Barf. I don't like philosophy.

∆

Time to optimize!!

I think my emotions are getting in the way of productivity... and i'm sort of sick of it. I think its just making me feel worse. My tendency to be lazy does not help.

So some changes will be made:

1. I will be getting up early

2. I will stop thinking about things which are nonconstructive

3. I shall exercise regularly

4. I will be more presentable and mature

Being at home, I really miss having any semblance of privacy... I sort of want to go back to apartment life in that respect. Meh.

Random thoughts

I feel so happy right now, it makes me feel sort of guilty, especially for my exams which have not been prepared for. I think some floodgates of emotion have been opened. I feel freer.
Having one final down finally doesn't hurt either. Too bad the next two days are gonna be scary. My semesters come down to 5-6 hours of studying... lolz?

On another note, I sort of envy my friends who are doing art. I miss that, but I am too lazy to do things when it is not structured.

Oh today I realized again that I am so much more than a number, and have much to be thankful for. And this really is something that I need to reiterate. Sometimes I get into a scary mindset, where I start to think that my life will truly be over due to an exam or some given challenge. It makes me want to hide from the world... and generally get into an unhealthy mindset.

Thanks roomie for the perspective.... I really needed it :)

Where is my mind?

For whatever reason, I think I've been feeling less happy for the last few weeks or so. I think I'm tending to apathy, and that worries me. Its lie... I am still me, in my variations. But duller, separate.

I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for, though. I just need to get perspective, in a healthy, non-stressful way.

I want to make something beautiful.

Appreciate life.

Optimize myself.

Ok, nap.

Cramps

I am sitting in doe, finally ready to get some studying/work done.

But I can't

My abdomen is killing me. So badly. :(

I mean its nto an intense piercing pain, but its like... always present.

I am thinking I should just go back and sleep... and maybe have somethign warm to drink.

Actually I think my period makes me really melodramatic and emotional and irritable... I hate it. Luckily or not, it also happens to keep me from talking much. Its like talking makes my brain crazy.

I can't concentrate. I can't think. But there is so much I want to do!!! Gah!

I want to order my body to concentrate and be efficient. :/

My body wants to be numb.

Being a human....

Gmail - Inbox (2500) - chocomoo@gmail.com

I feel old. :(

My house...

Sometimes it feels like i am living in a decaying mass. I know it comes off as melodramatic, but my home is a mishmash of cloth and patches. Our overhead lights don't work; our solution is to rely on lamps. Our bathtub has bypassed drip-drips to become a constant flow of water running, almost disgustingly, 24/7.
Spending more time here sort of reminds me of the less bright sides of my family. My dad, for instant, has a habit of treating the rest of us crankily when he runs into financial problems... and it is upsetting but it is not fair to bring this tenseness upon us. I would not want to be such a parent. On that note, I find that my mother likes to confide with me in particular. Which is cool, but leaves me sort of conflicted... any resolution I offer would surely be flawed.
My siblings are fine, as far as I can tell (though my brother's future is sort of doubtful.. I've decided that its something I will not figure out for him... though I will be there if he needs help.) I'm definitely trying to be a positive figure in their lives... not too hard since I'm pretty awesome. Helps also that it lets me procrastinate on studying.

Meh. I think my siblings should listen to me more. (Dude my little brother just made fun of me for having a blog. Cross my heart, he is never going to see this!)

Oh... I read a sad article in the newspaper today about how kids are handling the recession. I guess I feel lucky. I have many things to be happy about. And so do you!

On Turning 20

I think turning 20 next week warrants a look back at my year. I really feel like this really does mark a turning point; even though my birthday is just another day, to me it represents all the life I've lived preceding that point.

So here is a look back at things I should remember, mostly from my 19th year:

• My birthday last year: going to hong kong, during spring break... traveling to that island on a sky-lift, visiting temples and villages on my own, misty mountains, street markets
• Joel Ledford - research with spider DNA! going to the california academy of science for the first time, seeing the "restricted areas" ... must go again!
• Relationship(s)
• Joining marriott lab... failz
• Summer at berkeley, tension?
• classes .... meh
• Las Vegas - Wow bellagio, top floor, facing the fountains! I still cannot believe this happened! (but I have loofahs and bath supplies to prove it, lol), and Cirque du soleil... this is probably the first and last time i get to see these shows! note: rich canadian fobs?
• Living in a crazy, messy apartment w/ cool people!
• fun eggster-ing! I'm so psyched for our event this year! And glad we made enough money ^^ I feel like i can sit back a little until we get to the rush of the event. Awesome! These people are fun and nice to hang out with (karaokeing last weekend!)... when I become an alum i shoudl come back and check things out again, fosho!
• Random additions: SF pillow fight, random conventions, great-grandma rose 100 years old celebration!.... hmmm I will be adding more later
• Freshman year with 4th floor davidson!

I am going to miss youth! D:

Catching up

Just got off with one of my friends, from UCSD.
She can't sleep, I am sad.

And I have things to think about now.

And I need to do my homework... and I will.... tomorrow!

Sometimes

seeing one person can make your day

Took a nap today. Usually naps clear my mind, and I told myself as I was drifting off that I was going to wake up feeling re-energized and whatnot. Instead I felt tired and groggy. Ugh!

The new physics section seems more interesting (actually, I am only less confused, not necessarily enjoying the material), I'm sort of excited to trod though Mastering Physics this week. Doesn't hurt either that a lot of the wave stuff is a repeat!

I am really sort of afraid of facing my exams tomorrow. It's lame. And its not a big deal.... but I hate having to see that number on my test, feeling the panic in my mind as it gets handed back, thinking about all the little stupid errors I should have caught.

And really it all feels useless. I'm caught up with trying to cram and memorize, only to let my freshly-gained knowledge drift away the minute i drop my pencil after time is up.

I have a goal, yes. But I feel like I should be enjoying the process of getting there more?

Think I will call my mom tomorrow. And look for a nice hole to hide in. I like that idea--of hiding--because even though I might be provoked by sadness, but for peaceful solitude.
Alas, I need to greet the world... or some of it at least :P